Jive | Emo Dojo
Jive | Emo Dojo

Episode · 1 year ago

John; August 10, 2021 — dark


I keep trying to catch incoming bad feelings, and identify them as they appear, so that I don't become my feelings. I'm overwhelmed today. I feel accepted under certain conditions, but I don't feel like I truly belong anywhere. I often wonder if I died some time ago and this has all been "hell," repeating itself over and again. 

Song: "Family" by Badflower 

Oh well, they can't all be winners. Today kind of sucked. No, generally. Just later in the day I started to do this thing where I try to catch my feelings, and the way I catch it as I just identify, like I say to myself, I notice, you know, I just realized that I had a feeling. And in this case they keep being bad, so it's enough to catch it. Put there is onslaught of bad feelings and MMM, overwhelming, exhausting to try to bat them away. I guess what I'm saying is I'm having a bad evening. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel like some people accept me so long as I perform in a family. Plenty of jobs in the past, but the...

...moment they think I'm not or just don't fit into their picture or their plans. I mean, it seems like I'm easily disposed of and sometimes I think, I know, obviously this isn't real. But what is real? Sometimes I wonder if I died a couple of years ago and I've just been in hell. Like this is hell. All the things I've had to experience, all the heartache and just the sadness and the loss, having to see it and experience it over and again and again makes me think that like, what happened? I don't know what happened, but it seems like there must have been some event in which I just stopped existing and I think I'm alive.

But really the reason people treat me as if I'm a ghost is because I am a ghost. And then when I try to think back, like how long ago do I remember actually feeling alive, it creates this weird vertigo like backwards tunnel where I can see all the just the heart ache of my life and I don't want to look back through all that. It's hard to look back through it and try to find out when I felt like I was alive. I always wanted to be a good kid. I tried to be a good cave when I was young. I guess I just wanted attention, like you know all kids do, but then it just felt ignored or kind of neglected, like even the love I got was a cold love, like I'm...

...hot blooded. I'm a very warm loving person to like overwhelming, like it's I'm too much. So I don't know. I you can tell if somebody loves you warmly or feels kindly towards you versus someone who is supposed to love you or by a societal's construct, quote unquote, has to love you, but the love comes off as cold and rigid and well conditional, like it's there so long as you're living up to their standards and if you're not, there's no love. Now I guess I just felt that way at the end of today's work because I don't like I don't know, I work in sales, so I'm the only person out and I don't get to hang around anybody all day and today I was just, you know, exhausting hot outside.

I think the product we have is great, but I think we're little late and little slow to the market with the price. So the price is not where people are jumping at it, which I guess is fine for the organization, but it's not good for me as a salesperson. So I find my days just wasted chasing kind of erratic plans that change on the fly when a lot of the stuff could be strategized and thought out, and I don't feel, HMM, I don't know that I sometimes I feel at work that I'm a ghost as well. I'll say things. You know, someone ask a question, even an innocuous question, just meaningless, trivial question, and I'll answer it and that person will look at me and then continue looking at the ceiling as if they didn't hear the fucking correct answer I just said. And I've seen this go around the circle for like ten more seconds and then somebody else, or that person will sit repeat what I just said and then everyone...

...be like, oh, yeah, yeah, that's the name of it. I'm like, wait, am I here? Am I am? I like have to pinch myself. Am I live? Is this up construct? I like the idea that we're just in a terrarium, that people planted us here and we're just doing the best we can with what happens. But now I kind of wonder if this is like a weird digital construct where we could be just muted or made invisible. I don't know, there's like a Black Mirror episode like that. You know, here's a weird thing, and I don't this probably happens to a lot of men, women to I would imagine, but you know, when you try to correct the mistakes that your parents made and you try everything in your power to not have that happen, and yet similar things unfold. So you end up in the same situation. And whereas...

I've felt like no love or very cold hearted love from my parents, I had tons of love and have tons of love for my own kids, but they treat me like my parents treat me. They're just cold to me, like unkind, and I don't know, m I don't know what I did, don't how to change that and yes, I've apologized. I've not made any demands, all the all the normal things. I think I'm fairly normal person in that sense, but I don't know if I attract drama, I make bad decisions or just, I don't know, just not having a great day. This is one of the biggest challenges of the August daily episode.

Challenge is that the day you really don't want to fucking get up and talk on a podcast is still a day that you you're committed to. HMM. Yeah, I'm trying to speak slowly so I don't say anything disturbing, but I don't know, the sinner I cut out tonight, the earlier I can just go to bed and hopefully start a new day tomorrow. Yeah, all right. Well, I'm going to listen to some music and for you people listening on Youtube what you're about to miss because Youtube is going to mute. It is bad flower with family. Thanks for listening. It's more leave me. I don't want this tonight. My sister's cry. I'm just my father's...

...mother's Kid, shitty brother. I'm not body's friend. Only make you cry. I don't deserve this. Family only and now back to the wall.

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