Jive | Emo Dojo
Jive | Emo Dojo

Episode · 10 months ago

How Malignant Narcissists Control You By Withholding from You


John Emotions talks about malignant narcissists and how some use “withholding” tactics to confuse and control their victims. But, first, he tries to distinguish between regular "crazy movie director" narcissists and truly toxic narcs that can attack from a distance.

Narcissistic Withholding Tactics include:

  • Withholding affection
  • Withholding interest, praise, or compliments
  • Withholding validation (stonewalling conversations)
  • Withholding the truth
  • Withholding resources

Are you withholding praise or compliments?

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Welcome back. I'm johnny motions and this is alive from Emo Dojo. It's just me today, kind of checking in here after the holidays, I know, several weeks ago now, and I have put a podcasting between the holidays and now, so I didn't really have a chance to check in, but I hope you're well. I went out to California and visited family and friends. Had A great time and I started to discern the difference between narcissist and a malignant narcissist. So it trud just a regular old narcissist or trippy. They're funny. They remind me now of like a film director on a set that is kind of super crazy and you have to do everything exactly like they expected to be done, even if you know you don't. You didn't realize that you're on a set and that you had lines to say and that you there was a suplace you were supposed to stand. That's how Narcissus Street people...

...like, Oh, why are you standing over there? Why? How come you doing this? What don't you know? How come? What the Fuck's wrong with you? Why are you an idiot? Hey, why are you even on the set? That's what's Christmas is like to me, and it's exhausting because I could forget like wait, I'm not an actor, I didn't sign up to be on the set, I'm on fucking vacation. So all you narcissist settle down with your little expectations. Once I realize that kind of analogy, as I was in the midst of it, I just started to have fun with it. I'm presended like I was a crazy film star, like a narcissistic film star. Yeah, I can add a little fun anyway. So the whole idea of malignant narcissist comes up because there are people that, while a lot of people like to control their environments and they aren't necessarily malicious, you know, they're not out to get anyone, they're just that way when you're in their presence and you can always choose to leave the presence right. Malignant narcissists, on the other hand, will fuck with you from...

...afar. They'll just fuck with you in general and if you're not there, they'll continue fucking with you by talking a bunch of Sh had about you amongst the people that are left after you've gone right. And so one thing malignant narcissist and also psychopaths use to torment their victims. It's not just outward aggression, it's not just bullying and outward things. It's really subtle shit. In fact, I think a lot of these little red flags will talk about in the next few minutes are key to uncovering narcissists in your life. And once you identify them you can get rid of them, because typically narcissists can't be treated because they suffer from what's known as a Nosa Nosia, which is lack of insight. They just don't have the capacity to understand that they are actually sick. It's not everybody else. They don't. They're seriously just kind of not demented, but demented in the casual sense. So they do weird shit.

So the subtle shit we're going to talk about today all revolve around the technique called withholding. So kind of the opposite of aggressive. This is all passive, aggressive things malignant narcissists use to torment you. So I'll stop using the word malignant each time because it's redundant. I mean it's not redne at, just too many syllables. Be Quicker if I just say narcissists or even narks. Let's go to narks. Okay, so what are the first things in NARC will do is withhold affection. Sometimes, not all the time. Sometimes, when you get into a new relationship with a NARC, they'll do this thing what's called love bombing. Will they just give you all kinds of praise and gifts and open the door for you and everything like? Well, I meant prince charming or princess lay or whoever, you know what, whoever you idolize. It's like, well, this is the perfect person, even more than perfect. Wow, right. So That's love bombing. And as...

...soon as they got you hooked, then they withhold affection. They get you to beg or not or just wonder if, like, it's okay. And Anyway, when someone encounters a Nark, that's love bombing them and they and withholds affection off and on sporadically. It's a system. It's like hot and cold behavior. Technically it's called intermittent reinforcement, but anyway, what will happen is it'll super disorient a regular person. So if you're a regular, healthy person in a nart comes into your life, they're going to love bomb you. You know, good chance they're going to trick you into thinking, Oh wow, this is great, this might be the one, and then they'll pull back. And so they're withholding affection to control you. But then it gets, you know, progressively more insidious. Maybe they're not giving you all the presents or what, or giving you kisses are right, and you cute notes as much anymore. And you know, if you're an if you're a couple and in a committed relationship, sir, a lot of those things kind of fade. Try to keep them going, but of course they fade over time because people's lives get full of other things. But the next level of...

...withholding that a Nark will do is when they withhold just regular healthy interest or praise, kind of you know, normal authentic compliments when you've done something that kind of would you know that would be a situation? And when you normally get a compliment from a common person. So that's a huge red flag. If you did something like got a raise at work, you know, I got it, just did something whatever, you know, whatever is in your life that you think all of your friends and family would compliment you on. If there's somebody in your life that is withholding a com plemant in that situation. Red Flag there. Ass You know, keep them on a list and watch their other behaviors, because in a situation where you see you get a job, promotion type of thing, when everybody else is complimenting you and the NARC cannot, that's a sign that they don't want to give any praise because they're having a hard time dealing with their inability to compete with you. There's...

...a lot of envy. They kind to try to maintain control of the situation and your relationship, or at least their relationship to you. So they're going to withhold normal shit, and that's where it starts to get sick. As you move on down the scale, they start withholding basic validation or even open discussion. So if someone is shutting you down and not discussing something, stone walling you, this is a bad sign. If this is happening in a committed relationship or, you know, marriage, something like that, then you got problems. So narcissist will shut you down because they've got no they got nothing else. They've got no legitimate argument to the conversation. They can't control you. They're not getting their way. So they will just shut down the discussion, the walk away, slam a door, leave whatever, their stone walling you because they can't get down in the deep emotional trouble of whatever it's...

...going to take to have a normal discussion with the human they just don't have those tools. A lot of times in this situation they also gas light you to try to get you think that the conversation is already over. We already had this discussion, we could we got to the bottom of this. You and I decided already those kind of conversational terms. Well, if they're saying that and that actually has not happened, their gas lighting you, which is, of course, is a common term that we apply to people like Narks, and then we'll get down to the line, which, outward line, you know, it's making up a lie, is and quite the thing we're talking about here. What we're talking about is withholding the truth, especially by omission. If you ask somebody straight up question, of very pointed or specific question and they tell you half of the truth and purposefully leave off the other half for whatever reason, that's that's Lyne obviously, and with holding the truth is something else that narcissists do to control all the situations. Especially this is is another term called a future faking, whereas the narcissist knows that they're not...

...going to get married to you, they know that they're not going to buy that house in the in the woods with you and do the thing that you guys thought of, you know, and planned all together. So narcissist with withhold the truth back. They're not telling you that they have another life somewhere else, that they have ongoing communications with that other life, that they have all this different plans in motion that don't include you. So withholding the truth often times will put the victim in danger, danger of, you know, losing other relationships, losing their homes, their jobs, all of those things. So you got to be careful. And people are withholding the truth from you. Obviously that should be a huge red flag if they're outwardly lying, but it's the subtle shit, it's the withholding stuff, especially the truth. And then, of course, the last one that most narks do when they have you trapped, they have you isolated, they have you removed from your friends and your family, nobody gets the call for some reason. That what he's getting through and people stop coming over, you live a little bit further...

...away from everybody than you used to. Then they start with holding resources, like money, like phone calls, like you know, just go on down the list. They will do anything to control you. So with holding resources is huge and they'll get you often times in a spot where they want you to rely on them for those resources so that way they can completely control you. They don't like it, like marks don't like it when they're victims have jobs that can actually earn their own money and have the freedom to do what they want. They fucking hate that. They'll lose their minds. They if they can't control you, they'll have to move on and they don't want to do that because it's hard, because they're like parasites that kind of live off the souls of other good humans, especially good humans that are givers. You know very if you're very giving person and very open with your time and effort and resources, narcissists will drill right into that, take all of your resources and then withhold them from you. So doesn't really work out too well.

So you really got to be aware of all these little red flags when you're dealing with narcissists in general, but specifically, like the next time you're out and around. Who's withholding affection from you? Who's withholding normal compliments when they would be warranted? WHO's withholding validation and stonewalling discussions of important things that normal people would talk about? And then who's withholding the truth? And lastly, most darkly, who is withholding resources from you? So gather all these people up and get them out of your lives. A lot of times you'll hear people say, man, I really seem to attract a lot of NARC narcissists in my life, and the reality is, no, you don't. You let them stay. So you have to let them go, or not even let them go, sometimes you'll have to push them out. If you got people in your life drain your soul from you, how long can that last? You've got to fix it. So be aware of things like this.

You know, and you'll grow to be a stronger, more resilience kind of human. You know you have the grit that you read so much about. It's really just a matter of noticing the signs before they actually take hold and control your life. Oh and Hey, speaking of with holding affection, y'all fuckers should go leave me a review on apple podcast. Hello, there hasn't been review there. I'm like years, like two years. I know I'm not generating tenzero new fans every month. This got to be the same you guys all the time. So, you know, consider stop with holding your affection. I know you're busy scrolling, you know, but the ten minutes you could take the scroll. Maybe take ten minutes once a week and go live. You know, a nice little comment or review on one of your favorite podcast or youtube channels. Are, you know, from on a book you read. You still read books, right. Well, leave the author a message. It's it wouldn't kill you, right, it's not going to...

...kill you. I've heard people say, well, why do you even care? Why do you even compare? You know, I because everyone else is comparing me to the others. I'm not the one that's doing the comparing. I would just assume we not compare either. But when I get calls from advertisers and sponsors and people like that and so how can you don't have very many reviews, I'm like because I don't, don't really give a fuck, honestly, and but they do. They care, they look at that stuff. So if they care and it affects me, so I guess by default I care. So you can care to. It's not that hard to leave review, is it? Or maybe you can't. I don't know, maybe you're incapable of caring. I've been through periods of my life where I just didn't give a fuck about anything either, so I get it. But what I don't get is like all tenzero of you don't care at the same time continually come on anyway. We're doing, I'm a cool thing we're remember I talked about bringing some of the F N ft artist back to do a follow up interview. Well, I think I'm going to do that actually on twitter.

Will bring them back in twitter spaces and I'll interview them and then we can also take questions from people in the space with us. So if you're into that, go follow me at John Emotions and we'll probably do that next week or two. I got to hit them back up and let them know the plan. But have a for nft artist that all want to do follow up interviews and I think they would all totally be into do in a twitter spaces around that whole thing. So Fuck Yeah, tomorrow's Monday. Let's get back at it and do our things right. Team work makes the dream work go leave a review. I'll talk to you the next week with my twitter spaces podcast. I'll actually record those and put those up in this space in the podcast feed. So let me know if you like those, if you hear them, let me know something you know. Send me a message in a bottle if you out there, if you can hear me, I'd love to hear from it's all I got. Have a great week fight, and...

...now back to the wall.

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